Sports Randomizer, Miami Futility Edition
-There's nothing sadder in the sports landscape these days than the absolute misery going on in Miami. Sports fans in Miami should probably be put on suicide watch considering the Dolphins are unable to win a single game, the Heat are in such disarray with aging talent that Pat Riley thinks he can outplay them, and the once proud (annoyingly proud, even) Miami U is a joke. I'd say they could wait until baseball season, but everyone knows no one goes to Marlins games, and even if they did, they might be watching infants on the field since once you have one or two years in the league under your belt, the Marlins are no longer interested in playing you. Say what you will about your local teams, no city can claim the kind of athletic futility right now that Miami can. When the biggest sports headline to come out of your city this year is what a retired coach has to say about the Patriots, you know you're in the midst of some serious problems.
-While we are on the subject of Don Shula, am I the only one hoping the Patriots do go undefeated just so those grumpy old men will shut up and stop being so damn arrogant in every interview? If I have to hear Mercury Morris make his "in my town" analogy one more time I'm going to lose it. I typically don't care for the Patriots, but those guys are making me a fan. Please, Belichick, win them all so that these tired old men with their tired soundbites and rituals can fade away.
-Speaking of the Patriots, I get the same feeling watching this team that I got watching the '86 Bears. That feeling is boredom. Once a team hits a level like that they become so boring to watch, and that game in Buffalo Sunday night was a real snoozer. One thing is abundantly clear to me after watching this team: the only thing interesting about the playoffs will be the NFC side of things. The AFC will be a series of foregone conclusions and lopsided scores. So will the Super Bowl. The only question left to be answered this NFL season is who will be getting blown out in the big game: the Packers, or the Cowboys? Not even a wardrobe malfunction could make this one interesting, folks.
-Phil Dawson said on ESPN that he hopes the narrow victory over the Ravens Sunday will act as a springboard for the Browns season. He should realize that it should act as a wakeup call. Anytime you beat a struggling, pathetic team in disarray by a field goal (barely,) especially coming off a week where a winning effort (albeit not a winning result) was put up against a championship caliber team, it should be categorized as a letdown, not a springboard. Still, the Browns are better than anyone gave them credit for this year, but the Ravens are just bad. If your team is playing the Ravens hard to win by a field goal, something needs to be re-evaluated.
-Since I'm piling on the Ravens and their pathetic offense, let's go the extra mile. If the offenses of the Ravens, the 49ers, the Bears and the Falcons were combined, that combined offense would still be terrible. A shocking statement, but you know it's true. Perhaps even more shocking are the poor offenses in Kansas City and San Diego, with Philip Rivers suddenly looking more like a certain ex-Charger named Leaf than the promising QB he was last year. Yeah, I said it. Perhaps if these new, young stars in the league spent less time shooting commercials and more time working on their craft the on-field result would be better. Then again, Peyton Manning seems to shoot approximately 3,000 commercials and promo appearances a day and still shines on the field, so what do I know?
